Farewell, Friends

Over the past year, two more hens have followed Penelope to the big coop in the sky. The Whig Party (top) and Old Paint (below) both went toward the light, despite the attempts of this Red Cross worker to resuscitate them with mouth to beak. The rest of the coop was left saddened and more than a bit wary. Rumors abound as to the cause of the deaths, and not a single hen believes the Rhode Island Reds died of natural causes. The coop is well known for its power struggles, attempted coups, and social stratification, and so naturally the gossip has been flying in the henhouse all year.

Neil Young, who as always been a loner, is a likely suspect, although one of the hens dismissed this, saying, "The lone gunman theories are always just a front for a much larger conspiracy. Neil Young didn't do this. Anyway, we all know Neil Young is, like, a pacifist."

Mother Clucker, known for her down-to-earth style is probably the last hen you'd suspect. "But don't you see?" Lee Smith interjected. "It's the perfect cover. She thinks nobody would ever suspect her, so she can just keep smothering us in our sleep." Mother Clucker pecked Lee Smith on the head. "You're one to talk," she responded. "We all know you were a human in your past life. Only a human would do something as evil as this."

A hen, who insisted on anonymity, pointed the finger at Deirdre McCluckskey, as she is the only remaining Rhode Island Red. "Everyone knows you dominate your peer group first, before you make a move on the rest of the chickens. What better way to dominate them than to murder them in their sleep. Deirdre is a stone cold killer. Believe it."

When asked for her take on the situation, Deirdre was appalled that anyone could think that she was to blame. "Don't you see what's happening? Someone is out to rule the coop, and they're terrorizing us with these killings. Everyone knows the Reds are the nicest and the least skittish, that's why we're being targeted. Obviously I'm next! I knew prejudice against gingers ran deep, but I didn't know it would come to this. I go to sleep every night wondering if I'm going to wake up in the morning. Is this corn cob to be my last treat?" She pecked glumly at the kernels still clinging to the cob.

Naturally, the Leghorns (Crystal Meth, The Knife, Rampage!, and Mr. Pants) are suspected of shady business due to their generally antisocial behavior. Mr. Pants tried to distance herself from the other Leghorns, as usual, stating that she never has been involved with the mafia, not as a drug-runner nor in any other capacity. "I can't say the same for these other hens," she added in a huff. "We reap what we sow."

This is the first we've heard of possible mafia infiltration in the coop. We'll keep you updated.